BIG READ: Pride

On January 4, 2020, the Devils hosted their annual Pride Night at Prudential Center.

Ahead of the game, the organization held an informative panel, featuring members of the LGBTQ community, moderated by Olympic Gold Medalist Meghan Duggan. We collected their stories, as well as the story of Eli who we profiled ahead of the evening, and compiled them for this edition of Devils Big Read.

Eli

For Eli, a 15-year-old from North Jersey, hockey is everything.

It's how he met his friends and how he spent time with his brother when they were younger.

"Growing up, I always saw my brother playing and I was like, 'oh, I want to do that!'"

Eli's brother would use pillows instead of pads, a baseball glove instead of a goalie glove, and send him in net to practice on him.

"Since then I've been in love with the sport and it's the best thing to ever happen to me."

Hockey is more than just a game Eli plays and a sport he loves. It's a support system and a community that has allowed him to be authentically himself. 

"I'm fifteen years old, and I'm trans."

"I always had this feeling that I was a boy and I was, you know, more masculine. In knowing that I ended up sort of finding the words to tell my parents and tell my friends."

Eli told his mom he was trans when he was eight years old. His mother, Grace, then told Eli's father, who told Eli's older brother. Once the whole family knew, it was a moment of relief for Eli.

"It was totally just like a weight lifted off my shoulders when I was able to tell them. At that point, they knew, and I knew they would try to make the steps to progress me in my transition whether medical or social. They made me feel totally accepted. I was really privileged to have them on my side."

Eli and his family started a two-part plan for his social transition. The first part focused on telling Eli's closest friends and their parents. The family brought everyone together at their kitchen table and talked about his true identity. Eli's friends were all very supportive and accepted him for who he was.

The second part of the social transition plan focused on school. Eli and his family worked with school administrators, teachers, and faculty to implement training and education on everything from proper pronouns to how to support Eli.

The day Eli transitioned, he didn't go into school. School officials and teachers talked to everyone about Eli, his proper pronouns, and how to support him. When Eli returned the next day, his classmates showed him how much they accepted him.

"The day after I received a stack of index notecards and every single one of them was a note from all of my classmates saying how much they support me, and how they're going to love me, no matter what name I use, no matter what pronouns I use. They're always just going to support me. And you know that's something that was really huge to me."

Eli's hockey team and coaches were just as accepting as his classmates and teachers were. 

"All my hockey teammates were all crazy supportive. Another situation where they were like we kind of knew, you're one of the guys."

"It was super huge to have all my coaches on my side, all my teammates. I never really once felt unsafe in a locker room or in a locker room environment. I feel really privileged to have that."

After his social transition, Eli's medical transition was next.

"The next step for me at least in my personal transition was having a medical transition which involved hormone blockers and testosterone."

"I guess my voice dropped a little bit," said Eli after a year of taking testosterone. "There's still a pretty long way to go in that department but I'm happy."

Although only fifteen years old, Eli has become an advocate for LGBTQ rights. He likes to share his story and his life to show others they're not alone in their transitions. The same way he feels supported by his favorite NHL team.

"Having an NHL team, a team like the Devils, who I love through thick and thin, and always love the Devils. Having a team like that being so supportive and having nights like Hockey is For Everyone and having Devils Pride Night is huge. Having support through institutions and teams, I think that is the groundwork for bringing up support through other people."

"Even having one night, where you have the logo with rainbow colors on it, it's really huge."

When asked, Eli said the biggest thing he likes to remind people is, although there have been physical and social changes, he's never changed.

"I've always been the same person. No matter what your pronouns are, who you identify as, you're always going to be the same person inside. I think that's all that really matters."

Anthony

Anthony Nicodemo's involvement with sports started when he was young. Then, at 18, he started to coach and hasn't stopped since. Nicodemo is in his 24th season coaching and is passionate about the impact he has on his athletes.

"The biggest thing is experience. Our job as educators is to provide [the best] experience for [our] kids," said Nicodemo. 

Nicodemo always tries to give his athletes the best possible experience. In 2013, he was invited to attend the LGBT Coalition's annual meetings in Portland, Oregon. The conference brought together athletes, coaches, and advocates and focused on increasing communication throughout sports for the LGBT community.

The conference inspired Nicodemo to make a change in his own life.

"I knew it was time. I got back on a plane and it kind of went from there. Within a week I told people I thought I needed to tell. I told my team the following week. The rest was history."

Nicodemo came out following the conference and is one of the first openly gay high school basketball coaches in the United States.

"It blew up into a national news story, and in a lot of ways, that gave me the platform that I have today."

In addition to his roles with the Greenburgh-North Castle School District, Nicodemo is the President of the Hudson Valley Stonewall Democrats, and a co-chair of the City of Yonkers LGBTQ Advisory Board. 

Nicodemo believes that sharing his story has allowed others to come out publicly.

"It's the domino effect in a lot of ways. You sit back and you have these various people come out and it inspires other people to come out" said Nicodemo.

"There were various people who came out after me, and said that I was the reason, my reason, helped inspire them."

When Nicodemo came out in 2013, the landscape promoting the LGBTQ community in sports was radically different. NHL teams weren't hosting Pride Nights, and organizations like You Can Play were just starting to form.

"I watched the development of all these different campaigns that exist and these different pride nights kind of happen because they weren't happening five years or six years ago when I came out," said Nicodemo.

"I kind of watched them develop with the change in our society, and I think it's extremely important. I think somewhere at home, there's a Devils fan who is 12 years old who might not be ready yet, who might not know how his parents or how his friends are going to reach yet. That kid is sitting at home watching this and is going 'oh my god, my favorite hockey players are wearing rainbows. My favorite team is doing this.' So I think that representation is extremely important and in a lot of ways, I don't think people think of this way unless you're really involved with it, but in some ways, that message saves lives."

Although Nicodemo is happy to see the growth of organizations fighting for LGBTQ rights especially in the sports world, he says there is still work to be done.

"Every other facet of the world, there are openly gay people, except professional sports for some reason. So it shows there's still work to be done. But I think, people need to understand, when it happens for the most part, they're going to have the support."

"In the sports world, there is an entire network, and entire family of LGBTQ people who rally around each other when it's needed."

Alec

Coming out, especially as a high school wrestler, was a challenging experience for Alec Donovan. 

"I was very timid and afraid of coming out, especially in athletics having the background that people are going to be out to get me."

But Alec looked to the athletes that came out publicly before him, and even turned to them for guidance.

"Once they came out and I saw what they wrote and their experiences, I started asking those questions and becoming friends with them and asking more questions. They really helped guide me to that acceptance in sports."

Donovan first came out to one of his best friends, Hailey, his freshman year of high school. He told his friend group next, but it wasn't until junior year when he told some of his teammates on the wrestling team.

"Some of the guys on the team asked me about me being gay. Once I told them they were nothing but supportive. That's how I knew I'm going to be OK in this world."

Donovan won a state championship his junior year and started his collegiate recruitment process. But, he wasn't publicly out. There were rumors going around and those rumors were brought up during a recruitment visit in South Carolina.

After being asked, Donovan told the collegiate wrestling program he was visiting that he was gay. The team showed their support to Donovan and reassured him that this was a family, and one that would support him if he chose to attend their university.

Following the visit, Donovan discussed that experience, as well as his experience as a gay high school athlete for an article published on Outsports. The article went live when Donovan was in California on another recruitment visit. He was now publicly out.

Throughout the process of coming out, college recruitment visits, and his high school wrestling career, Donovan's support system, made up of family, friends, and his wrestling team, was there.

The Brick Township native started his collegiate career in California but returned home to New Jersey to attend Centenary College. When he joined the team he instantly felt the acceptance from his teammates.

"They treat me like family, I felt very at home. I was really comfortable wrestling with them. They're family. That's one of the most important things that a team is, making sure that family always has your back."

Donovan is eager to share his story and his experiences because he knows what an impact it can have for someone else. For him, seeing professional teams embrace Pride Nights is a whole different level of support.

"We see a lot of sports on TV and all these famous people and with society, it's a sponge. They suck up anything they preach and to see professional teams make changes for the environment, make changes for social, and social reasoning, it's very comforting."

"It's going to have an effect on more people than they can even imagine."

When asked about the best piece of advice Donovan received while he was struggling with going public, he stressed it was simple: find a good support system.

"Having that support system changed everything because if it wasn't for them and being able to open up, I wouldn't be here. It makes a whole world of difference having people to talk to, people I feel comfortable around, and everywhere I go now, that's one of the main things I make sure I have."

Donovan also shared how thankful he was for the athletes before him that were there for him through it all. They answered questions, gave advice, and listened. He hopes to repay that to others.

"It's easier when you have someone to talk to. If you can't find someone to talk to, reach out to me, I will gladly talk to you."

Meghan

Meghan Duggan is a household name in hockey.

The Olympic Gold Medalist, long-time National Team member, and USA's Captain has represented her country at every level of the game over her career.

Duggan met 1998 Olympic Gold Medalist Gretchen Ulion, following the U.S.'s win in Nagano, the first-time women's ice hockey was an Olympic event. That meeting inspired Duggan's career and gave her a goal she chased for 20 years.

"I set a goal for myself of winning a gold medal in the Olympics when I was 10 years old and continued to build my life around it for the 20 years that followed."

Duggan represented the U.S. in the 2010, 2014 and 2018 Winter Olympic Games. In 2010 and 2014 the U.S. came up short, falling to rival Canada both times. In 2018, with Duggan as her team's Captain, and 20 years after the historic win in Nagano, the United States won their second-ever Olympic Gold Medal. Duggan achieved her dream she had spent her life pursuing.

The Olympics weren't the only highlight of 2018 for Duggan. In September she married Gillian Apps, a member of Canada's National Team and a long-time rival. In fact, Apps was on the Canadian Olympic Teams that beat Duggan and the U.S. in the 2010 and 2014 Winter Olympic Games.

Duggan never officially "came out" on a public level, but she has always been true to herself.

"For as long as I can remember I have tried to just live my life as my authentic self and never made an official announcement or declaration. I got myself to a place where I was comfortable and accepted myself for who I was, and I choose to surround myself with those who feel the same way."

When Duggan married Apps they shared wedding photos publicly, and the response they received showed progress and acceptance in society.

"The reaction and the conversation focused nearly 100 percent on the fun fact that two hockey rivals were married rather than the fact that we were two women. I found that very powerful!"

"While there is still progress to be made across the entire space of acceptance and inclusion in our society, I would say that the reaction of the wedding photos I posted shortly after I got married in September of 2018, are a great example of the strides society has made."

There are still ways society and the sports world can improve, and Duggan believes Pride Nights can help have an impact especially in local communities.

"Pride Nights create a safe space for those who feel estranged from other communities. They welcome everyone with open arms and encourage meaningful progress and conversations to be had. They bring together humans who believe in and accept other humans for who they are, and they are a great step in the right direction."

"I've certainly felt accepted in the hockey community no matter where I go, and I look forward to organizations continuing to do meaningful work in their communities when it comes to marginalized groups."

Duggan and other athletes have their lives shared on a larger platform than most. When asked about seeing other athletes coming out, Duggan shared how important it is for everyone, athletes included, to be comfortable as themselves.

"I believe everyone should be allowed to be their authentic self regardless of who they are, where they're from, or where they work. And seeing athletes feel comfortable to do so is inspiring and empowering to all others struggling to find the confidence."

Arman

Arman Bashiri, a former collegiate soccer player, fell in love with soccer because of its popularity in his home country.

"In Norway, soccer is the biggest sport, it was just always something I loved."

Soccer brought Arman to the United States for college where he played for two different teams during his four years. When he came to college, he decided to remain open about his sexuality.

"I came out right before I turned 18 to my friends, and then I came out to my mom a couple months after I turned 18," said Bashiri. "When I was in college, it wasn't a coming out per se, it was just letting people know."

"At that point I tried to be as casual about it as possible, instead of talking about girls I would talk about guys. I told my first college team I was gay, and ever since, college especially, I've been very open about it."

When Bashiri sees other athletes coming out, it's a special and meaningful moment for him.

"For me, when I see stories like that it makes me proud, not only for myself, but for them. There aren't really that many athletes that have come out, not as much as I would like to. But for me, whenever I see it, it makes me proud. It really does. It tells me that we're moving in the right direction for sure, sports as a whole."  

When reflecting back on his life when before he came out to now, Bashiri has seen his confidence and own self-acceptance grow.

"I see a big difference from now to just five years ago. I can see a big difference with how open I am about things, how much more comfortable I am with myself, and the perfective I have not just with myself, but with the whole world."

"My confidence grows every day. After I came out it was a big push towards being more comfortable."

As Bashiri's confidence grows, he knows how important accepting yourself is before you come out.

"You have to be comfortable with yourself before you share with the world."

"Whenever you're ready, because just know it's ok to come out and be who you are. It's a different process for everyone, regardless of acceptance or not. Whenever you feel ready, that's the most important thing."