Maven's Memories: The Heals and Flats Show

You can take comedians Abbott and Costello, Martin and Lewis or even Seinfeld and Company; no question, each act was good for laughs. Tons of them.
But, ask Islanders fans and many will confess that the funniest things on television were their two hockey heroes-turned-tv-humorists. Left wing Patrick Flatley and goaltender Glenn Healy in the HEALS AND FLATS SHOW.

For two seasons (1991-92, 1992-93) their nutty-as-a-fruitcake interlude became the laugh riot of SportsChannel productions. The unexpected and sensational segment was the brainchild of SC's then Islanders producer Kevin Meininger.
"From time to time -- on the team bus or plane or in the locker room -- I'd hear Heals and Flats getting on each other," Meininger remembers. "They'd just make me laugh. I felt other people -- viewers - would find them funny too.
"Each of the two guys has his own unique sense of humor. Both are really sarcastic; which is a badge of honor for anyone growing up in New York, so that impressed me right away."
MAVEN'S MEMORIES
WRITTEN COVERAGE
1993 Run Ends in Montreal
Unusual Draft of 1979
Isles Upset Pens in 1993
Prelude to Penguins Upset
Isles Beat Caps in 1993
1992-93 A Season to Remember
Making News in 1991-92
Maven's Haven
Flatley insists that the show idea actually crystalized on a road trip. Meininger was watching them play chess -- while needling each other -- in the back of the team plane.
Flatley: "Kevin overheard us giving each other crap while we played and he was entertained by us. He said it would be fun for people to hear us two interact with each other.
"We said, 'Yeah, let's do it,' and the first segment turned out to be a lot of fun."
Healy: "Flats and I are like two brothers who like each other, We've always had a lot of fun together so when Kevin proposed that we do the routine on the air we figured, why not?
"It was easy partly because we've kidded around all the time. So, this was no big deal since in the show we're still the same; like a pair of village clowns just having some fun."
Bob de Poto, Senior Coordinating Producer for MSG Networks, agrees. Bob says Heals and Flats remind him of a Canadian tv comedy hit, "Great White North." It even might have inspired the two funny Islanders.
"Great White North" was hosted by the McKenzie Brothers, Bob (Rick Moranis) and Doug (Dave Thomas) during the early 1980s and was popular north of the border and sometimes south of the 49th parallel as well.
dePoto: "To their everlasting credit, Patrick and Glenn -- plus the man behind the curtain, producer Kevin -- didn't settle for just a pale imitation of the original 'Great White North.'
"The natural chemistry and comedy sense of Heals and Flats resulted in their own brand of insanity. It reached a point of leaving you wonder, who inspired who -- Great White North or Heals and Flats?"
Many of the H&F segments are so funny, that it's still tough to pick a particular favorite. One that many fans enjoyed was Glenn and Patrick ripping the National Football League while favoring the Canadian (CFL) version.
"The football one was my favorite," Flatley flatly asserts. "I thoroughly enjoyed taunting the NFL. I said that you had to be tougher to play in the CFL, competing in the rough weather in Saskatchewan, Alberta and Manitoba."
Then, Patrick chuckles to himself and adds: "Plus, the NFL has four downs while the CFL only needs three downs to do the job. That, in itself, makes the CFL more of a real man's league."

Meininger, currently Senior Producer MSG Networks, found Heals and Flats' home-rebuilding show his personal favorite. It was very real in the sense that Flatley actually was having contractors fix his LI home when they shot the flick.
"Our 'script' had the contractors ripping off Flats by 'sleeping' on the jobs,'" Meininger recalls. "Heals was incredulous that Flats couldn't see what was going on so Glenn kept grilling the beleaguered contractors.
"He'd ask these craftsmen all kinds of questions; like 'Is this tongue in groove pine?' And the guys -- who were actually great craftsmen -- would answer with things like, 'It's wood.' And Heals would roll his eyes at the camera."
The beauty part in this instance was that the whole segment was done ad lib ending with Heals whispering to Flats: "I really think these guys are ripping you off. Flats, I wouldn't pay them."
"Pay them?" Flats shoots back. "I'm not paying them. I'm going to give them tickets."
It's difficult -- more likely impossible -- to determine which of the pair is the funnier comic although Patrick insists that it's no contest.
"Healy is not funnier than me," Flats says, tongue well-ensconced in cheek.
Meininger, at first, leans to Healy; and then switches over to Flatley. In the end it's a draw; both are a riot.
"Glenn is the more comical of the two," Kevin suggests. "He used a lot more words and was more animated. He could get on a riff and then just go with it. The most fun was watching Flats trying not to laugh at Heals.
"They would go back and forth trying to one up each other and Flats would just be staring at the camera when Heals would hit him with something and then they both would lose it."
As for the viewers, Islanders supporter Frank Visone became a Heals and Flats fan right from their world premiere. What did he like most?
"They would start off 'serious' as if they were about to report on something of substance," Visone asserts. "The original subject may have been serious but within minutes they'd get themselves wound up and laughing at nearly every other line that came out of their mouths."
Although both player-humorists are Canadian, they wasted no time spoofing aspects of their home nation. One classic segment was a trans-Canada tour in which they provided a West to East running travelogue.
"We started off serious with British Columbia," smiles Heals. "I pointed out how beautiful the province is and especially the city of Vancouver. But when we got to a really cold place like Saskatchewan, I went into my routine.
"I said to Pat that I heard that (then teammate) Ray Ferraro's family was in the construction business. With that in mind I said I had a good job for their company.
"I suggested that the Ferraro contractors pave the entire province of Saskatchewan and turn it into a parking lot for us Eastern Canadians."
As their frequent idea man, Meininger often would suggest skits and, just as often, the boys would second the motion. "Then I'd just wind them up and let 'em go. The one notable exception was 'This Old House' which was their idea."
Patrick Tracy, a passionate Heals and Flats fan, says he was most impressed with the duo's professional manner and comfort in front of the camera.
"Flats had a deadpan comedy style that worked well with Heals' gift of gab and humor," says Tracy. "It had a home-town quality about it."

Meininger: "People loved the show when it came out and since then it's taken on a life of its own. The pinnacle was when Hockey Night In Canada did a segment on the segment. They actually interviewed me for the segment."
Another fan, Jason Bartow, enjoyed their "dry sense of humor that was very Canadian. If you liked a comedian like Martin Short, these two were a riot, I loved the CFL jokes and poking fun at Western Canada."
Even when interviewed about the success of "Heals and Flats," Patrick is at a momentary -- and only momentary -- loss for words; and seriousness.
Flatley: "I have no idea why it took off and every time I go back to Long Island, I get asked about it by somebody. Part of the success was that every viewer had a good buddy that they goofed around with and saw themselves in Heals and I."
Unlike Abbott and Costello or Martin and Lewis, it was difficult to pick a "straight man" among the Heals and Flats characters. But pressed on the question, Patrick believes that there was -- himself -- and doesn't mind kidding about it.
"I was the straight man," he explains, "because Heals being a goalie, he's somewhat unpredictable in the mood category. As a result he was not capable of being the straight man."
Meininger calls the show "reality tv before reality tv. Just two guys on camera shooting the bull and being really damn entertaining. They were being themselves and as themselves two great, fun guys."
Remarkably, the two still routinely receive Heals and Flats fan mail and, from time to time, a Heals and Flats segment is run on an MSG Networks Islanders show.
A vital point made by Flatley is that their laughs were partially dependent on the team's success at the time of the shoots.
"The club had to be winning when we did the segments," Patrick insists. "You can't have that show when you're not winning. It makes it look like you're not paying attention to what you should be paying attention to -- which is winning."
Heals: "What surprises me is that 25 years after we did the show fans still are reminding me of the scenes that they liked the best. And we do get some crazy mail."
Flats: "That's true. Believe it or not some viewers actually thought our 'Heals and Flats' were about shoes. I had to tell one guy, 'Sorry, no, we never had a discussion about shoes.'"
A SportsChannel crew favorite that never made the air was a promo the pair tried to make but couldn't because they kept blowing their lines. It concluded with a half-hour of mistakes, out-takes and spit-takes among other blunders.
"My most vivid memory," says Meininger, "is that at one point our cameraman, Pat Waters, was slumped over the camera shaking with laughter and unable to speak."

After two seasons of guffaws, the speaking roles of Pat and Glenn ended. It was a run that easily could be resumed by popular demand but both players were paid to play hockey games not video games.
But before the curtain dropped, each was at the top of his game and their facial expressions often proved to be half the fun. Both player-comics used their respective mugs as sight-gags as much as their verbal skills.
Meininger: "Flats has those clear blue eyes which either made him look like he was boring a hole through your skull or paying no attention at all to what Heals was saying. Sometimes he sounded as if his words were tied together in one long sentence.
"At the end of it he usually dropped something hysterical or viciously nasty -- or a combination of both -- and then he'd pause for a second and crack himself up as well. It was impossible not to laugh with him."
They never needed props to get a guffaw although at least once, Heals was totally duped by a letter from a viewer claiming that Pat looked like handsome, young actor, Marlon Brando while Heals resembled portly comic Dom DeLuise.
After squirming through Flatley's letter-reading, Healy ripped the missive from his sidekick and exclaimed: "This is signed 'Margaret Flatley! It's from your Mom!"
Without flinching, Flats shot back, "Yeah, she's a great judge of character!!"
And that's how two very good hockey players turned the Heals and Flats show into a two-year comedy hit on Islanders television.
"In the end," concludes producer dePoto, "the indelible mark left by Flats and Heals cannot be erased nor forgotten!"