Hockey humor, one line at a time

Legendary hockey reporter and analyst Stan Fischler will write a weekly scrapbook for NHL.com this season. Fischler, known as "The Hockey Maven," will share his knowledge, brand of humor and insight with readers each Wednesday.

Hockey people can be hilarious. The problem is that too often, their humor is overshadowed by the tension and excitement of the fastest game on earth.
Here are some of the most amusing one-liners ever heard in and around an NHL rink.
Steve Richmond, a defenseman who played 159 games in the NHL during the 1980s, on being called up from the minors: "You're probably only a piece of meat everywhere you play, but at least in the NHL you're a sparerib."
Goaltender John Vanbiesbrouck, asked if he liked facing 51 shots on goal: "Yes, and I also like jumping out of tall buildings."
Herb Brooks, asked about coaching the Minnesota North Stars in 1987-88, when they finished 19-48-13: "I don't know whether to call NHL Central Scouting or the FBI and file missing-persons reports."
Hockey Hall of Famer Gump Worsley on the art of goaltending: "The only worse job is a javelin catcher at a track-and-field meet."

Forward Gordie Howe on center Wayne Gretzky: "I sometimes think if you part Wayne's hair, you'll find another eye."
Longtime NHL forward Dan Maloney, when asked about a New Year's resolution: "To score as many goals this year as Wayne Gretzky got last week."
Vancouver Canucks coach Harry Neale after receiving a thank-you note from Winnipeg Jets coach Tom Watt for defeating the Chicago Blackhawks, helping the Jets in the NHL standings: "Awaiting further orders on who you want us to beat next."

Defenseman Barry Beck on the passion of New York Rangers fans after losses: "My doorman won't even talk to me."
Hall of Fame goaltender Glenn Hall on playing without a mask: "Our first priority was staying alive. Our second was stopping the puck."
Defenseman Larry Robinson after he was named the NHL Player of the Week: "Was Wayne Gretzky sick?"

Goaltender Glenn Resch on facing defenseman Al MacInnis, a seven-time winner of the hardest shot competition during NHL All-Star Weekend:"It's almost an illegal weapon."
Hockey Hall of Famer Bobby Orr on what it's like playing in NHL alumni games: "It's still the same old story. My head says 'Yes, yes, yes,' but my knees say 'No, no, no.'"
(Special thanks to Glenn Liebman and his classic collection "Hockey Shorts")